So I went out with Jonathan on the 19th, and it was good. He thinks he's Chandler Bing. And he is seriously the sickest person ever. He's in Whistler now till January 3rd, and then he goes back to England on the 4th. He left on the 20th. Here's a picture of us two that my mom took just before we went back to our rock for 2 hours: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v187/JennifuhHudson/BeccaJ-Boy2copy.jpg

And here's a picture of our rock: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v187/JennifuhHudson/BeccaJ-Boy3.jpg (my mom was in the car at that point so it was kind of hard to take, that's why it's blurry)

Things are kind of messed up between us now, because while we were out last week we realized that this really never is going to work (because he lives in England), and then I told him that I loved him, and then he said it back when he wasn't even sure if he meant it or not, so now we both decided that we need time to think about whether we should even bother or not, because he's not sure what he thinks anymore.

When I phoned him on the 20th and he told me he still needed time, I told him it was fine, but I got upset afterwards because now I'm not going to be able to talk to him for two weeks, and I started thinking right away that it was over, and then I started picturing him with someone else and I started crying and I couldn't stop.

But now I realize that he never even said that he might not care, he just said that he needed time to think, which I also need. Another thing is that he also said was that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship because he's never had one before, and I thought about that as well, and this is what I think: Obviously someone has to make him ready, and I won't let it be anyone else but me. Nobody else is going to get to kiss him before I do, or hold him like I did last week, and if any other girl even touches him I'll seriously kill her. He is mine and he will always be mine, no matter where the hell he lives.

He doesn't even have to tell me that he loves me, just knowing that he cares in the slightest is enough to make me feel lucky. And I'm not desperate or possessive either, I'm just smart enough to know that when something good comes along you shouldn't let it go, which is why I won't let him go. Not after everything that we have been through. I understand that he may not feel that much right now, but I will wait forever for him to say those words to me, just like I waited 3 entire months to see him again.

It's hard, but I can do it, and I know he can too. It's only another year before he moves here to go to University. He seems to think that I expect so much of him, but I don't. I'm not a hard person to please, honestly. Last week while I was leaning against him he put his arm around me and started stroking my hair, and then he leaned his head against mine, and I can't even being >to explain how that makes me feel.

He says that he wants me to be happy, and he seems to think that he can't make me happy, when he's the only thing that DOES make me happy. I get upset really easily, and anytime anything got messed up at school or anything, the mere memory of him kept me going. He also thinks he's not good enough for me, when he's the best thing that I've ever had, and like I said before, just the thought of him leaving forever kills me. It actually feels like it's cutting me inside.

The prospect of him going to University here depends on whether he gets funding from his grandfather, and if he doesn't, then he's never coming back because he'll be too busy...so if we do keep it going, the entire relationship relies on him getting funding. But I think that we should just keep it going and see what happens...he's got another year at school, so we can just keep it how it is now and then if it doesn't work out, then at least we tried.

But the main thing that should keep us going is hope, even if it's just a tiny ray and may not happen...if he DID come here, everything would be fine. And he's a really optimistic person, so I don't understand why he can't do this...unless he just doesn't want me to get hurt...but I WANT to do this. I want to tell him this, but I want to say it in a really sweet and caring way, not like I'm DEMANDING him to stay with me...and I'm so upset right now I don't know how.

This is what my friend Meg in Toronto says to say: "Johnny...I have to tell you somthing... we need to have a serious discussion here, you're such an amazingly optimistic person about practically everything...which I adore about you so much! But I get this feeling you're not the most optimistic about keeping this going...and I just want to know why. I'm willing to give it all I have, and I need to know if you want this, or not. Even if it breaks my heart, just tell me the truth I need to know how YOU feel and what YOU want...I already know what I feel and what I want."

I think that's good, and I've got some other stuff planned too, and I know that he'll have something to say when he comes back, so all I have to do is work what I say around that so that we both get our opinions stated. If I do it right, I know we can make it.

For Christmas I got Kalan's CD, Elton John's Greatest Hits, and my sister's friend burned me an Evanescence CD, and my sister gave me a CD of all Canadian songs that she got from her workplace, which has people like Celine Dion, Our Lady Peace, Chantel Kreviazuk (sp?), and Tal Bachman on it. My brother got me black fake hair, which is awesome, green chopsticks, which will go great with my black ones, a bracelet with a heart on it, and a studded grey wristband, which is freaking awesome. I also got perfume, concealer in the shape of lipstick, liquid eyeshadow, a brush, clip-on earings (I don't have pierced ears)a charm bracelet, a purse, the 5th Lemony Snicket book from my sister, which is the only one I don't have (I've read them all). Silk pj's, a long jean skirt, and a long sleeved shirt with string tie up at the front from my sister, and a discman from my sister (which is awesome because my old one broke a long time ago, probably from me playing Billy Klippert like 10 times a day and at night, I just hope I don't play Kalan too much on this one!) and candy!! And socks. So that's awesome. I also got $50 from my grandparents who are coming on the 29th, so now me and my mom are going to Wal-Mart to look for boots for when I go to school so I can be all punk freak with all my new punk freak stuff.