So I talked to Jonathan on Monday night at like 9:40-11pm lol. Everything's fine. When he got the phone he was like "Hi" and I was like "Hey, how are you?" and he's like "I'm good, but how are you?" And I was like "I don't know." and then he was like "I've been thinking...muchly" and I was like "Yeah, and?" and he's like "Well, I'm coming back in March, so I'll see you then" and I was like "Okay, but what do you actually think?" and he's like "What do you think I think?" and so I was like "You're just gonna say that it's not gonna work out or whatever, and that we should just not try" and he's like "Yup, you've got it right so far!" and I was like "Okay seriously though, what do you think?" and he's like "Oh, but I thought you knew? You just told me!" and I was like "Shut up, it was wrong!" and he's like "Oh, well then what do I think?" and I was like "I don't KNOW, tell me!" and he was like "Well, I'm gonna see you in March, whether you like it or not...and it was about 3 days after I left for Whistler that I realized that I'd overreacted and been a big jerk" which is weird because it wasn't really that much his fault, so I was like "But it wasn't really your fault, though, because I shouldn't have tried to make you do something you didn't want to do" and he was like "Yeah...it was just too crowded...I didn't know that's what it was, but I finally realized that...and I didn't think it would bother me that much if there were people there, but it did!" and then we admitted that we were both half to blame for the whole thing getting messed up. And then I said about how just because what we have isn't the same as what most people have, they think it's not as good, and he was like "I think it's special, because it's not what most people have". And then I said about how he always insults me and he was like "That's what I do with everyone, that's who I am, I thought you knew that? I make fun of my chinese friend all the time...he's short, like you!" and I was like "Shut up!" and he's like "Okay, short stuff!" and so then I was like "Shut up!" again and I was like "What do you actually think of me?" and he's like "You're very short - uhh, precious to me!" which was such a bad save, but he's always like that. And then I asked him "Are you only going out with me because you have no one else to go out with?" and he's like "No, of course not!" and then I was like "Then why are you?" and he's like "I don't know!" and I was like "Oh my god!" and he was like "Because you're gorgeous and you're nice and your singing voice is superb" and I was like "How would YOU know?" and he's like "I wouldn't! Butcher Evanescence songs...I don't see how you could do that, those songs are easy, even I can sing along with them!" and I was like "Shut up, two people said that!" and he's like "Yeah, that's enough for me!" and then I didn't say anything for while and he's like "Fish?" and I was like "No...spoon" and he was like "Oh, spoon, of course!" because that's our thing that we do, don't ask why, he doesn't even know why. And then he said that he thinks he knows me fairly well and I said I think I don't know him very well, but I do, I under-estimated him when I thought that he was going to end it with me when he came back, because I thought he was just like all the other guys, but I forgot that he's not, he's the best I've ever had. And he said in Whistler he met the Guess Who, which is cool because they're awesome even though he doesn't believe I know who they are. And he said that he'll bring me my Christmas present in March, if he can find one, he says. And then he was like "Ooh, I know, I'll get you one of those T-Shirts that says: 'My boyfriend went to London and all I got was this crappy T-Shirt' those T-Shirts are freaking AWESOME!" and I was like "Okay then?" and then I asked him if he was going to think about me while he was gone and he was like "Oh, of course" and I was like "What will you think?" and he's like "Oh, wonderful things!" and I managed to convince him to try and email me, even though he doesn't know how, but he knows enough about it to do it, even though he hates computers. And then he freaked out at me because I didn't know what one of his dumbass video games was. And then I tried to talk about Idol and he threatened to hang up on me, so then he started to talk about StarWars/Trek and I threatened to hang up on him because those shows are crap but apparently so are Idol shows. He was in a car in the garage the whole time because his family kicked him out of his own room for some reason, and then at like 11 his grandpa came down and kicked him and he was like "Ow, Grampa! He just kicked me!" and I heard his grandpa say "And I'll kick you HARDER if you don't get off the phone!" and he was like "I've tried several times, she won't let me hang up, she's terrible!" and I was all like Shut up! And then he was telling me about some cute guy in his Chemistry class with long blond hair tied back in a ponytail until I told him to shut up because that's sick and then he was telling about how now he hates Evanescence because their new CD is "terrible" and about how they didn't even turn off the crowd, and I was like "It's called a 'live CD', Jonathan" and he was like "You shut up" which is his new thing, along with shushing me. I hate people who shush. And then he said about how I can tell that he likes me because he makes fun of me and he only makes fun of people he likes. And then I was like "You know how I can tell that you DON'T like me? Because you only say you care when I make you!" and he's like "That's not true. I care! See, you didn't make me say that." and I was like "Yes I did!" and he was like "I care I care I care I care I care! You didn't make me say THAT!" And then he said he hates people who say like and I was like "Oh yeah? Well at least we pay respect to the English language by using words that actually EXIST!" because of his stupid muchly thing which he says is a word but it's not. And then he kept hacking because he's sick and then he blew his nose into the phone and it was disgusting so I yelled at him. And I told him about how when I walked home from our date there were freaks in the tunnel who tried to make me smoke a joint with them and he went hysterical even though it so was not funny! So then I made him feel bad by telling him that I cried when he was gone, which I did! But then he seriously had to go so I was like "I'll miss you" and he was like "Me too" and he promised to try to email me, and it's only two months now instead of almost 4, so I got off way better this time, even though the road got a little bumpy along the way. Okay Rebecca, that's gay. I'm going to bed now. There might be some other stuff that I forgot but I'll add it later.

PS: I talked to David Lily on the phone tonight, it was awesome. We're gonna hang. He's a communist. I'm a Buddhist. Wow.

We spent 2 hours typing and then the internet got messed up and we lost the blog! Bugger. We had like so freaking much. About dancing. And chair breaking. And Ryan Cabrera! AND OUR CHRISTMUKKAH SONG!! And boiled egg burps!! And profile links!!! And me in the bathroom!! Wait, scratch that.

This was our Christmukkah song:

On the first day of Christmukkah we went to Rebecca's house
And we added Luke to MSN!!

On the second day of Christmukkah we went to Stephanie's house
Got grossed out by Shane
And we added Luke to MSN!!

On the third day of Christmukkah we went to Sarah's house (giyse)
Looked at Jordan's profile
Got grossed out by Shane
And we added Luke to MSN!!

And these were our links:

My updated MSN profile (with all this stuff about Paul on it): http://members.msn.com/default.msnw?mpp=4263~5AAoAAAAACZOKdUx3WWdEKNA!VQcz0ZsDdwspbjJVT5lnZhAwVYKKMHg$$~5AApAAAAAGJM3UCinyAY8Vb3fiJszBQWrnOFGaS75PZJo$

Sarah's updated profile (with lots of weird stuff on it like Allard): http://members.msn.com/default.msnw?mpp=4263~5AAAAiAAACPY8EeeiQjg6J5MoYDisZAa520xpzmC5VVlBBepLFu9!FKA$$~5AAAAjAAAEvRqr3SHQ8ibfsDmoXyk4nOHI7SEjNX2U2fk$

Oh crap I forgot to go see the Daily Enlightenment for today. I think I will now: http://www.buddhanet.net/flash/the-daily-enlightenment/index.html

December 30th: Complacency

It is terrifying to think that one is advanced in spiritual cultivation when all the peace that one is experiencing might be due to the external peacefulness around. One might be deluded to believe he is well on the Middle Path, steadily advancing towards Enlightenment.
All that one might be experiencing might be the ripening fruits of positive karma. This might lead to spiritual complacency as one rests on one's laurels. In the mean time, one's good karma drains out. This is like experiencing gods' lives in this human life. Once the good karma is depleted, the latent ill karma might surface.
After the heavenly holiday, even the gods can fall - and all "hell" might break loose.
Are you a "god" now? Be careful!

That is awesome. I got a book on the 28th called "The way to Buddhahood" which I saw when I was getting out my first Buddha books a month ago but I knew I wasn't ready for that, but I've read so much and having begun to understand what it's like to be a Boddhisattva, and what the Dharma is really like. So I've read a lot through it, but I still have so much to learn and practice.

And now I'm downloading Evanescence songs and searching for Growing Up Gotti Merchandise on www.aetv.com because it's my favourite show aside from RFR. The new season starts January 10 at 10/9c. I seriously can't wait, it's awesome. John Gotti is HOT!! Frankie is the nicest though, although he gets so POed over nothing sometimes. Carmine is kind of boring. Him and John look just like each other, but if you choose your favourite you can learn to tell the difference: Carmine is the model-type, he has like perfect skin and his hair is more slick while John's is kind of messy, and Carmine's face is shiny. John's eyebrows are a lot darker, the highlights in his hair are lighter and when he gets mad he puts his shoulders up a lot. Lol it's like 5:17am and I haven't slept at all, Sarah's asleep on the couch and I'm listening to Jacob Hoggard. I'm also downloading Ryan Cabrera songs, he rocks.

I got wincklepickers yesterday. They're these really short white boots that are really pointed at the front and have a 3 inch heel. They rock and they look so funky. My sister says that I'm trying to be Victoria Gotti. Beh. She has awesome style, though.

Now I'm on E-bay looking for Growing Up Gotti Shirts and listening to Ryan Cabrera "Lost again" he sounds like the guy from the Moffatts, who rock. Um they have like cheap stuff which is all in American. Like they have a John Gotti shirt which is awesome and not that expensive, but it doesn't say anything on it and the one with all 3 of them on it only ships to like American and Europe or something gay like that. But they have Gotti bracelets for only like $7 Canadian so that's good.

But now since it's like almost 6 I think I should post this. I'm not going to bed or anything, since I'm writing emails to people and downloading and listen to songs, but still. I might post later at like 8 or something when Sarah gets up. It doesn't get light for a while now. Alone in the dark with my music, just how I like it.

http://feature.atlrec.com/ryan_cabrera/ryan_hyfn_popup.html

The MI5 Season 2 premiere is January 8th at 10/9c. That's another awesome show which me and my mom having been waiting a year and a half for it to start again, it was supposed to come out in September of grade 8 or something.

http://www.eskimo.com/~douglas/sailing/2003_2004_trip/maps/newfoundland_east.jpg

So I went out with Jonathan on the 19th, and it was good. He thinks he's Chandler Bing. And he is seriously the sickest person ever. He's in Whistler now till January 3rd, and then he goes back to England on the 4th. He left on the 20th. Here's a picture of us two that my mom took just before we went back to our rock for 2 hours: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v187/JennifuhHudson/BeccaJ-Boy2copy.jpg

And here's a picture of our rock: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v187/JennifuhHudson/BeccaJ-Boy3.jpg (my mom was in the car at that point so it was kind of hard to take, that's why it's blurry)

Things are kind of messed up between us now, because while we were out last week we realized that this really never is going to work (because he lives in England), and then I told him that I loved him, and then he said it back when he wasn't even sure if he meant it or not, so now we both decided that we need time to think about whether we should even bother or not, because he's not sure what he thinks anymore.

When I phoned him on the 20th and he told me he still needed time, I told him it was fine, but I got upset afterwards because now I'm not going to be able to talk to him for two weeks, and I started thinking right away that it was over, and then I started picturing him with someone else and I started crying and I couldn't stop.

But now I realize that he never even said that he might not care, he just said that he needed time to think, which I also need. Another thing is that he also said was that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship because he's never had one before, and I thought about that as well, and this is what I think: Obviously someone has to make him ready, and I won't let it be anyone else but me. Nobody else is going to get to kiss him before I do, or hold him like I did last week, and if any other girl even touches him I'll seriously kill her. He is mine and he will always be mine, no matter where the hell he lives.

He doesn't even have to tell me that he loves me, just knowing that he cares in the slightest is enough to make me feel lucky. And I'm not desperate or possessive either, I'm just smart enough to know that when something good comes along you shouldn't let it go, which is why I won't let him go. Not after everything that we have been through. I understand that he may not feel that much right now, but I will wait forever for him to say those words to me, just like I waited 3 entire months to see him again.

It's hard, but I can do it, and I know he can too. It's only another year before he moves here to go to University. He seems to think that I expect so much of him, but I don't. I'm not a hard person to please, honestly. Last week while I was leaning against him he put his arm around me and started stroking my hair, and then he leaned his head against mine, and I can't even being >to explain how that makes me feel.

He says that he wants me to be happy, and he seems to think that he can't make me happy, when he's the only thing that DOES make me happy. I get upset really easily, and anytime anything got messed up at school or anything, the mere memory of him kept me going. He also thinks he's not good enough for me, when he's the best thing that I've ever had, and like I said before, just the thought of him leaving forever kills me. It actually feels like it's cutting me inside.

The prospect of him going to University here depends on whether he gets funding from his grandfather, and if he doesn't, then he's never coming back because he'll be too busy...so if we do keep it going, the entire relationship relies on him getting funding. But I think that we should just keep it going and see what happens...he's got another year at school, so we can just keep it how it is now and then if it doesn't work out, then at least we tried.

But the main thing that should keep us going is hope, even if it's just a tiny ray and may not happen...if he DID come here, everything would be fine. And he's a really optimistic person, so I don't understand why he can't do this...unless he just doesn't want me to get hurt...but I WANT to do this. I want to tell him this, but I want to say it in a really sweet and caring way, not like I'm DEMANDING him to stay with me...and I'm so upset right now I don't know how.

This is what my friend Meg in Toronto says to say: "Johnny...I have to tell you somthing... we need to have a serious discussion here, you're such an amazingly optimistic person about practically everything...which I adore about you so much! But I get this feeling you're not the most optimistic about keeping this going...and I just want to know why. I'm willing to give it all I have, and I need to know if you want this, or not. Even if it breaks my heart, just tell me the truth I need to know how YOU feel and what YOU want...I already know what I feel and what I want."

I think that's good, and I've got some other stuff planned too, and I know that he'll have something to say when he comes back, so all I have to do is work what I say around that so that we both get our opinions stated. If I do it right, I know we can make it.

For Christmas I got Kalan's CD, Elton John's Greatest Hits, and my sister's friend burned me an Evanescence CD, and my sister gave me a CD of all Canadian songs that she got from her workplace, which has people like Celine Dion, Our Lady Peace, Chantel Kreviazuk (sp?), and Tal Bachman on it. My brother got me black fake hair, which is awesome, green chopsticks, which will go great with my black ones, a bracelet with a heart on it, and a studded grey wristband, which is freaking awesome. I also got perfume, concealer in the shape of lipstick, liquid eyeshadow, a brush, clip-on earings (I don't have pierced ears)a charm bracelet, a purse, the 5th Lemony Snicket book from my sister, which is the only one I don't have (I've read them all). Silk pj's, a long jean skirt, and a long sleeved shirt with string tie up at the front from my sister, and a discman from my sister (which is awesome because my old one broke a long time ago, probably from me playing Billy Klippert like 10 times a day and at night, I just hope I don't play Kalan too much on this one!) and candy!! And socks. So that's awesome. I also got $50 from my grandparents who are coming on the 29th, so now me and my mom are going to Wal-Mart to look for boots for when I go to school so I can be all punk freak with all my new punk freak stuff.

So, I just talked to Jonathan at like 10:30am, but he could only talk for like 10 minutes because he was going out, but it was still allright. I was like "Hi" and he was like "Hi, I just got back last night and I was like "Yes I know that" and then he was like "I'm tired" and I was like "You're ALWAYS tired!" and he's like "Yup!" and then I was like "I'm tired too, I just woke up like 5 minutes ago and I was like crap where's the phone and then I couldn't find the phone and then it was in my brother's room so I like had to go upstairs and just like...mneh" and he was like "Oh...kay...then?" and so then I was like "So...how are things with you?" and he's like "They're good...and how are things with you, how's your new school?" and I was just like "It's good...like some of it is not good, but most of it does...but does it really matter? Wait, I have no idea what I'm saying, never mind". and then I was like "Because you don't care." and he's like "I care!" and I was like "No you don't!" and he was like "Fine then, I don't care!" and I was like "Oh my god that's so mean! You know, I actually believe you when you say that." and he's like "Fine then, believe me!" and I was like "Fine then, I won't!" and he was like "What was that?" and I was like "See, you don't even listen to me!" and he was like "I listen, I just can't find my wallet right now." and I was like "Oh, wow" and he was like "Oh, there it is. Yeah, it has $200 in it, so I think I might have been a little worried" and I was like "You are SUCH a rich snob!" and he was like "No I'm not! That's like 60 cheques, so it's like nothing, I only get 3 pounds/hour." and I was like "For doing what?" and he was like "Babysitting. So that's like 6 dollars." and I was like "Sucker." and he was like "You're right!" and then he said about how he had to go and I was like "So, what do you want me to do?" and he was like "Call me again, sometime in the future, nearly..." and I knew he was being dumb so I was like "So I will see you?" and he was like "Yeah, sometime in the future, nearly, I'm not saying within the next 6 years, but you know, probably sometime..." and I was like "Are you being sarcastic?" and he was like "Yes, of course!" and I was like "Well, I don't know!" and he's like "Why not?" and I was like "I don't know! It seems like I don't even know you anymore!" and he was like "Yeah, that happens in life." and I was like "So you think it's true?" and he was like "Do I think what's true?" and I was like "Never MIND!!" and he was like "No, repeat what you said, please" and I was like "Well, I said about how it seems like I don't even know you anymore, and then you said something - " and he was like "See, you don't listen to me either!" and I was like "That's because I don't need to." and he's like "Oh, and why not?" and I was like "Because you just say the same things over and over again." and he was like "No I don't" and I was like "Yes you do" and he was like "No I don't!" and I was like "Yes you do!" and then it went on like that. And then I was like "Can I ask you something?" and he was like "Sure." so then I was like "Did you miss me?" and he was like "Of course!" and I was like "Are you sure?" and he was like "Yes, of course I'm sure." and then he seriously had to go so he was like "So, I'll see you later?" and I was like "Yes." and he was like "Excellent." and then so we stopped talking.

The conversation was allright, I guess, a little shorter than I expected. He didn't seem that interested in talking, but he's probably just busy and tired. I'm not going to go thinking like really that he doesn't care, because as a Buddhist it's my nature to be an optimist, so. I'll call him at like 5 or something, because he left at like 10:45.

I am so bored, la la la la la...school is out, and it's finally the 17th. If my calculations are correct, Jonathan got on the plane at 8:40am our time, which is 4:40pm his time, and it's now 6:00pm our time, which is 9 hours and 20 minutes after he left, and the flight is only 9 hours, and then he has to drive back from Sydney Airport, which takes about half an hour depending on how fast you drive, so he should be here in about 10 minutes. And I don't expect him to call me right when he gets in, so I probably won't talk to him for another hour or so, or maybe even tomorrow depending on how tired he is, which I expect him to be, because after you get off a 9 hour flight from like 20,000 miles away the time difference is totally messed up because you think it's like 3am (well actually, right now it would be 2:03am there, but whatever) and it's actually like 6pm so you're all jet-lagged. Ahaha Ryan Malcolm, and Gary Beals is still in Vegas. Sorry.

Updated Wouter site with songs and relationship news about Wouter and another Idol contestant. And other awesome stuff.

Claremont Idol is tomorrow and I'm singing "Imaginary" by Evanescence. I only just got the karaoke yesterday, but I think I'll be okay. I still have a lot to do tonight: I have to wash my hair, then dry it, and then put in it curlers for tomorrow, and then put my karaoke on a CD. Oh, I forgot say, I dyed my hair black on the 6th and got an Evanescence shirt, so now I'm Amy Lee. I rock. I'm not like gothic or anything, but people think I am because I wear black a lot, but that's just because it's a nice colour and it's mostly what I have. I also wear pink sometimes too. And blue.

I'm wearing my blue lacy skirt thing with my tights, and Sarah's letting me wear her fur boots, which are awesome. I'm not sure what shirt I'm wearing. Probably my sparkly white one, because my Evanescence one doesn't go with the rest of the outfit, plus I'm wearing it right now.

Sarah made me a sign for the show tomorrow. It rocks. It has all these inside jokes on it that everyone will be like the h is this.

The bottom is supposed to say BM but she's gonna change that. It rocks. Lol, yeah like Reynolds. Sorry. I think Stephanie's going to put BAM Spice Weasel on it tomorrow. Sarah got me a mini-book about Meditating for Christmas, it rocks. I'm Buddhist now. OH MY GOD CLAY AIKEN 2005 CALENDAR SOOOOOO HOT EEEEK. He has that CFM look in every picture. You'd have to go to the DLI forum on IDF to know what that means.

But I'm gonna go now because RFR is on in 5 minutes and I still have other stuff to do, I'm so glad I don't have any other homework. I'm going through my MSN history with Sandy and I'm reading about Jonathan.

I'm using this as a temporary hosting site for the Belgian Idol mp3's until my Wouter site gets back up because it's down right now and I need to put the songs from last night up because they're being requested, so here's what you do:

Go here: http://gmail.google.com/gmail if it takes you to the main page, the login name is idool2004 and the password is ilovelaura. All the songs are there, so just help yourself and remember to go to IDF (if you're a member) and thank purplerain for hosting them there, if it weren't for her I wouldn't have the mp3's up every week!

4 days.

Updated Wouter site with the winner's name and pictures and stuff. I know I'm supposed to be doing my homework right now but it'll only take me a little while and plus it's gay. Okay well it's not gay, but I just felt like saying that. I'll start it at 8:30pm.

I was going to talk about Jonathan, but now it's like 20 to nine and I have two poems to write, but maybe I'll just type them up/write them while typing. I love Jonathan.

Okay, i'ts now 10:33pm, I finished all my homework about half an hour ago, so now I've got half an hour to listen to Guy Sebastian and study Buddhism at www.buddhanet.net. Ahaha man walks on moon. Sorry.

So I phoned Jonathan's grandparents on December 1st, and they said that he was definitely coming back, so I gave them my new phone number.

He's coming on the 17th. EEK that's only 14 days. Eek 2 weeks. That's when we get off from school. And that's when Lemony Snicket's movie "A series of unfortunate events" comes out! I am SO seeing that! I meant to see it on the day it comes out but my sister's working that day so we're seeing it on the 18th, so that's good. Unless he wants to do something on that day. In which case it won't be. He always comes when I'm doing something! This is probably more important though, I mean like it's my boyfriend that I haven't seen in like 3 months. Over 3 months. And by the time it gets to the 17th it'll be almost 4 months. I am SO making him write to me next time. Stupid Jonathan. Sweet Jonathan. I love him.

They're having another Claremont Idol. The auditions are till next week. I want to audition, but I have to wait till I'm not sick because I'll sound crappy otherwise. Even though I already do. It'll just make it worse. If that's possible. I'm trying decide between Evanescence "October" "Imaginary" "Tourniquet" and "I must be dreaming" and maybe "Give unto me" but I don't think so. And also maybe "Even in death". This is what I've worked out so far:

October - Probably the best song but it makes me cry because of Jordan.
Imaginary - Second best to October but it gets a little too loud at partsIt and I dont' want to blow my voice.
Tourniquet - A good song but not one of my favourites and it just sounds okay, plus it doesn't mean that much to me.
I must be dreaming - Another song that gets too loud, but it's allright.
Even in death - I'd put this right below Imaginary, it's an awesome song.

So this is what I've narrowed it down to:

October
Imaginary
Even in death

I just downloaded Harry Potter 3 and me and my mom are going to watch it at 10 but she's watching TV right now and I have to phone Calum and read my Buddha book and medidate and listen to Evanescence in my room.

Happy late birthday Clay Aiken!! Yesterday he turned 26 but I remember only when I went to bed so I didn't have time.

December 8, 8/7c, NBC, Clay Aiken Christmas.

EEK Evanescence rocks. Sorry. I updated my Wouter site with the song choices for next week and pictures. www.xanga.com/Merrill1345.

Updated Wouter site with picture and HUGE review of tonight's show. And results. And stuff. www.xanga.com/Merrill1345

My nephew Gavin is sitting on my lap right now while we're listening to Evanescence "I must be dreaming".

But now I have to go do Math and French and I love Jonathan and Vote Wouter.

I'm on MSN sending someone Guy songs right now. I voted for him in their hottest Idol guy poll on Idolforums.com, and they said they liked Guy at World Idol and wanted to hear more, and I have probably have the most Guy Sebastian songs a Canadian fan could have along with videos, so I invited her to add me to MSN. So far I've sent the songs "Anthem of why" and "I wish" which are the best on his new album. I'm listening to "Wait" which is another amazing song. She said he sounds like Terrance Trent D'arby. Who now? Beh.

GUY WAS AT THE FINALE!! They were singing some freak slow version of "Waltzing Matilda" which was started off by Ricki-Lee and Angie Narayan, and then suddenly the judges stood up and clapped and then Guy walked out and I screamed and almost started crying because I was so surprised and happy because I love him so much.

Now we're talking about what a loser Jonatan Cerrada is and she said she's never heard Thierry so I'm sending her a song of him because he's amazing too. Now I'm saying that Courtney should have won Australian Idol 2 because he's amazing too!!!

Now I'm listening to the Kjartan Salvesen song she sent me "Trust fate" he's the winner of Noweigan Idol 2. He sounds like Millsy from AUI1. He's really really good, better than Kurt.

I am waiting for Mr.Worthy to phone me back. I got a bunch of new clothes from Martha today. Hannah and Gavin are here. I'm not randoming, seriously. Slananananananana...boosh. Sorry.

We had a party today in French class for no reason, and after like 30minutes of listening to ACDC, who I want to kill, I put on Kalan Porter's "Born to be wild" and then stupid Liam Kelley turned it off saying that Kalan was "butchering the song" and I was like "I'm gonna butcher you, you retard!". So then I put it back on afterwards. Kalan ROCKS, kay?

Clay Aiken is going to host his own Christmas Special show on December 8th, 8/7c on NBC. WATCH IT!! He just got over a cold and sinus infection from his "Joyful Noise Tour" where he plays with a 24-piece Orchestra and tries to sing over it, which means that he strained his voice and needed medicine from the doctor for it and had to cancel about 4 of his tour dates. Silly Clay.

Ruben Studdard is in the hospital with pneumonia, which was caused from exhaustion, which put him in the hospital in the first place. He's going to be in there all week, because they're not sure how serious his condition is. He should give performing a rest, it's been hurting him for a while. He also had to cancel some of his performances at local schools in Alabama. Hope he gets better soon!

I updated my Wouter site. With the theme and song choices for this week. And pictures. The person I'm talking to just said she'd add me as an affilate on the front page. And I'm going to do the same. Now I'm listening to Kurt Nilsen "Before you leave". He wrote this song about his girl. That's sweet.

I just remembered the time me and Jonathan were at the rock and I was trying to tell him that I liked him and I kept like smacking the rock because I couldn't say it and he started laughing and was just like "You get embarrassed so easily, it's just...fun!"

And then when I was talking to him on August 19th at Martha's house and it was when we were talking about what person he was to me and I said I didn't want to say just in case he thought I was stupid and he was like "Well, it could already be two ways...1) I already think you're the stupidest person in the world and nothing you say or do could make you any stupider or 2) I don't think you're stupid and never will think you're stupid no matter what you do" and I was like "Yeah, there's that" and he's like "Well, it's the first one." that is so sweet! Only 4 days till December eek!

And then there was last time I talked to him on August 21st at Martha's house where I was saying about how he didn't like me and he said he did and I was like "Oh yeah, that's why you kept staring at that chinese GOTH girl when we were out together!" and he's like "I was just teasing you!" and I was like "Oh SURE you were!!" but seriously he would not stop staring at her it was so annoying he was like "I've never seen a chinese goth before. She was rather...intriuging, wasn't she?" but I do believe he was just kidding, he wouldn't do that.

I just finished watching Guy's finale video of "Angel's brought me here" after he won and he was like crying and Marcia was like crying and there were inside fireworks raining down and confetti everywhere it was way better than this year's finale. EEEK GUY. Sorry.

Maria Haukaas Storeng is amazing! I just got a bunch of songs from her from Sandy, the new girl I'm talking to on MSN from Idolforums.com. Maria's from Norway Idol.

I'm going to the store now so I'll just end with this: I love Jonathan and BM!

Casey won. I accidentally went on MSN today at Sarah's house and my Australian news box popped up so I was like oh crap. But I'm happy. I didn't think she would. I'm still going to watch the finale, though.

I'm just listening to Evanescence and working on my medieval triangle. It's where you write abracadabra so one letter disappears with each succeeding line till there is nothing left, and the misfortune around you will disappear just like the word. To make misfortune go away forever you have to throw it in a river, but as a believer in Buddism I think that part of life is suffering, so people shouldn't try to rid themselves completely of it, so I'm just trying to keep it away from me most of the time.


Oh thank god blogger doesn't let you close your page without asking you if you really want to or not. My computer was just messing up so I went to close kazaa and accidentally clicked on this but it asked me if I realy wanted to so I clicked no and I was like oh thank god blogger doesn't let you close your page without asking you if you really want to or not.

My computer is really really screwing up so I think I should just post this and ahahahahaha Born is gone.

Australian Idol Top 2 show: (shut up, it was actually worth watching)

Anthony - "Listen to your heart" the new Idol single. He was pretty good. There were no judges comments tonight.

Casey - "Take me as I am" it was a pretty good message song. It was like I am who I am and if you don't like it, go stuff it. That's actually what Casey said in her intro. They showed a throughout-the-competition video thing for both of them. Casey looked so awesome at the auditions the judges were like what the hell is this.

Anthony - "Walking away" by Craig Davids. Grrr. This is one of my favourite songs, and as usual, Crystal has to go and add some stupid parts that weren't even there, for like half the song! Plus he was like dancing around on the stool and it seemed like he was going to fall off!

Casey - "Hello" by Evanescence. Oh. My God. Serious, honestly...like whoa. I almost cried. It was just...oh my god. So beautiful. The high notes were just...wow. I wrote an apology to her in my planner today in French. Like it was in French class, and the message was in french. It said this: JE REGRET QUEL JE PARLE, CASEY. TU EST STUPIFIANTE ES TRES UNIQUE. TA CHANSON "HELLO" EST MAGNIFIQUE ES TRES TOUCHANTE. JE PLEURE QUAND JE VOIT TA REPRESENTATION. Wow, that rocks doesn't it? My french owns. Shut up!

Anthony Callea - "Glory of love". LOVE this song! He was really good. But the same as usual. Anthony has one of those unique voices where he can sing anything, but he can't sing anything. I'll leave you to figure it out.

Casey Donovan - "Listen to your heart". She put more emotion in it than A did, and she was awesome.

In the middle of the show James spat half a gummy snake into Mark's cup while he was talking and they all went hysterical and Marty Worrall was clapping.

At the end of the show they played rock paper scissors to see who would sing first at the finale. For the first 5 times they kept putting the same thing and Anthony was like "We planned this before the show!" but then finally Casey beat him with scissors to paper. And then just before the show closed James was like "So Australia, who is it gonna be...Casey or Courtney?" and then Casey was like WTH and Andrew was whispering "ANTHONY" and then it showed Anthony's face and he looked like how could you confuse me with that loser?!

The whole top 12 was in the audience, except Angie. Marty and Courtney were sitting right behind Dicko like loners, and the rest of them were farther up. I spotted Amali right away because of her huge mouth while she was cheering. Ricki-Lee was harder to see because she dyed her hair dark brown. And then I finally saw Chanel with her Mickey-Mouse-On-A-Bad-Acid-Thank-You-Very-Much-Mark-Holden hairstyle. I could see Hails beside them because of her blond hair, and then Dan and Dan were in front of them.

I hope Casey wins. For good reason this time. Only 5 days till the results. I have to download the finale because everyone's gonna be there and Sarah's going to come over and we're going to have a party and watch it even though she doesn't care. She said she'll come if it's full-screen. Beh.

Updated Wouter site with song choice for this week and info about the main site videos. Updated yesterday with the results. www.xanga.com/Merrill1345

15 days. I'm listening to Wouter "Je Hoeft Niet Naar Huis Vannacht". Very loudly, too. Now Laura Ramaekers. She did awesome this week.

I was so bored in French class today because the class was playing some cheap game that I wasn't playing because it's cheap so this is what I wrote in my planner:

I love Courtney Murphy. Wouter de Clerck is hot. C'est un bunny day! Lalala bunny day. Go Casey Donovan. Ahaha Crystal. Shut it. Guy Sebastian eek. Mon nouveau guitare acoustique est Chanel Cole. Eek Johnny. Kalan est chaude. Stupid Usher. Diana D rocks. Randomness, much!

At the AMA's last night Usher won like every single award I hate him so much! He won the award that JOSH GROBAN should have got "Best male artist". Stupidhead. Kobe Bryant was booed. John Mayer's mic was messed. Anna Nicole Smith was drunk, and some woman tried to marry Clay and he was like get away freak.

That's all I have to say for today.

Updated Wouter site. www.xanga.com/Merrill1345. There's extra information and stuff that I got today. And pictures.


http://users.skynet.be/wouterdeclerck/Boekenbeurs/images/wouter2.jpg

EEEK so cute!

I got new pictures for my binders...two of Wouter, one of Courtney while he's sleeping, and one Ricki-Lee jumping on Courtney's back at the bowling alley.

18 days. Eeek.

November 11, 12:28am [Happy Birthday Kalan Porter :)]

So tired. But so in love with Johnny. Oh crap, I did NOT just say that. I'm at Sarah's house. I was so hyper earlier, we have like 3 videos of me singing songs about him. Mainly about how I need him and how grateful I am to be with him and about how we're meant to be together and how I can't live without him. Jeez Rebecca, obsess much? It's less than a month till he comes back, and I am freaking out. It's just that I've missed him so much and I'll have so much to say that I won't be able to say anything at all. Just to be around him again is going to be so wonderful, I just hope I don't cry. I only when I see Courtney or Guy, so that would mean a lotI just hope he hasn't changed that much, he's got one of the best personalities I've ever known, honestly. He's probably still got that undescribable effect on me where he looks at me and it's just so totally, oh my god. He knows he does it, but I'm not sure if he knows why it has such an impression on me. It's his eyes, I know it. They're just so caring and gorgeous and so easy to get lost in. If I look into them enough, everything else disappears and I can see everything he feels but isn't brave enough to say. He also has this way of making everything better by just saying something sweet. It's the way he says it, I can always tell he means it by the soft and gentle way he speaks it. I can't even begin to say how that makes me feel. If he were to get me lost in his eyes until I couldn't think properly, then whisper something so sweet that I couldn't help but take his hand, and then kiss me, I don't even know what that would do to me, I'm not even sure if I could handle that! He just has a way of brining out the emotion that I don't want anyone to know about, and then he understands exactly where they come from because he feels the same way.

----------------------------END OF REBECCA'S LOVE LIFE--------------------------

I wrote that last night. The videos are hillarious, I'll upload them when I can. I got like 3 emails today from people in Belgium who saw my Wouter site and want to know how someone in Canada knows him, and one of them is the person my mom met yesterday who knows about me but obviously didn't know that was me. So that's cool. I updated the site yesterday and am going to today, with his song choice for next week. And other stuff.

Yes, I know that entry above was retarded, but I was thinking about him all last night! I can't help it. It's 19 days till December. 19 days. That's so close. EEK Johnny. Sorry. I just stapled that note thing into my Johnny scrapbook.

I've been writing since 5 but I never posted. I'm dumb.

Australian Idol Top 3 Show: 70's night:

Courtney Murphy - "Somebody to love" by Queen. He was amazing, especially the last high note. HE GOT A TOUCHDOWN!! I was so happy I almost cried.

Casey Donovan - "You're so vain". It was way too overexaggerated, she looked so ulgy! But it was funny at the end when Andrew asked her who it was about she was like "Honestly Andrew...you." and then so he's like "So it's over?" and she like pretended to turn away and cry and was like "Yup!" Ugh, she got a touchdown too.

Anthony Callea - "Hold the line" by Toto. It was good. He's so short! Lol he's like 5'1. I always noticed but this week it seemed even more noticable. The judges thought it was okay.

Courtney Murphy - "My love" by Paul McCartney. He was really good, but the song was a little cheap. The chorus was like "bahbahbahbah" seriously, it wasn't even words. The judges liked it too.

Casey Donovan - "Misty Blue." She was really amazing in this, but of course the judges didn't like it. She was better than R&B night, and that's saying a lot. That is such a good song.

Anthony Callea - "Bridge over troubled water" by Simon & Garfunkle. He was so cheap. Like I thought maybe it would be as good as Clay's, but it was really boring. He got a touchdown for it though. They all got touchdowns! Stupid Mark. Lol Marcia held up a sign that said "Shut up Mark" it was hillarious, and I hate Marcia.

Results:

First in the finale....

Casehead.

Second in the finale...

Yup, you guessed it. Crystal.

I should have known, but for some reason I thought that Courtney had a chance of getting to the final two, but now I remember that Australia's stupid. They vote out the best people (RICKI-LEE).

Okay, so this is the final two: The girl who's stayed exactly the same from the beginning, doesn't listen to criticism, totally forgot the words and got Ricki-Lee kicked out, and doesn't even care enough about winning the competition that she would ever *gasp* CHANGE something about herself!! Like OH my GOD, what a thing to ask!

And then the guy who's always known that he's going to win so he knows he doesn't NEED to change anything about himself to win.

But the man who has the biggest music appreciation and knowledge out of all of them? The man who listened to criticism and tried to do everything he could to be better so he could have more of a chance of winning because it actually MATTERED to him? No, he doesn't deserve to win. I already posted this on IDF.

Apparently when it was down to Anthony and Courtney, Court looked really sad because obviously he knew.

I'm not recapping next week, I'm not. I'm not even going to watch it, I don't care. I actually hope Casey wins, I really do, because then Australia will have a crappy Idol who's career goes nowhere and maybe then they'll know what a mistake they made. Coming in third is good though, Cosima has her own recording company and has a best-selling album. Neither of these two could follow up to Guy, though, nobody could.

13 minute recap, sweet.

Check out my new Wouter site at www.xanga.com/Merrill1345. It rocks. I love Wouter. EEK!

Australian Idol Top 4: Big Band:

Anthony Callea - "Fever". I thought he was just okay, I couldn't pay that much attention because it was Halloween and I was getting ready to go out (the show only took 3 hours to download because I guess all the North Americans were busy) but the judges agreed with me.

Casey Donovan - "Why Don't You Do Right". She was just okay too, Ant was better. The judges liked her. Dicko said she needs to learn how to answer questions properly or else if she wins her CD will be called "You know" and he asked if they could make a deal about that and she's like "Meh..." and I was like what a loser she doesn't care what they say about her! And Dicko's like "No, I'm serious, this is a big issue that we NEED to sort out" so finally she agreed. She doesn't even want to win, she won't even change the slightest thing about herself, people aren't doing her a favour by voting for her anymore.

Hayley Jensen - "It had to be you". She sang it for her husband Tim who was in the audience. She was good, Jason was better, but still. The judges thought she was allright too.

Courtney Murphy - "For once in my life". I don't know how this got from a Motown song to a Big Band song, but whatever. Just like the others, he was just okay. That's an awesome song, but I prefer it in Motown.

Anthony Callea - "Route 66". This was AMAZING. Like seriously, whoa Crystal! He was one of the best in the second round. The judges loved it too.

Casey Donovan -"Come Fly With Me". She was absolutely horrible in this one. I didn't even remember what she sang because it was so horrific. Just...ugh.

Hayley Jensen - "Nature Boy". Seriously. Kalan's best song. Hayley was...interesting...with it. It was very good, but just very strange to watch. Mark said something about each line being the same with her or something, I don't know.

Courtney Murphy - "Don't get around much anymore". EEEK! He really brought it back in the second round, he was so my Courtney! HE GOT A TOUCHDOWN!!! His first ever from Mark!!! We were so happy! Me and Courtney, that is. And the best thing is: Casey didn't get one.

Results show:

Bottom 2:

Hayley
Casey

Out:

Hayley

Stupid Case-head. Ha she was in the bottom 2 AGAIN. Courtney was safe! I didn't read my mom's note till after school on Monday and it made no sense because it said Anthony and Courtney....NOT bottom 2 and then Hails and Case-head so I was like WHAT! And then it said out and a part of it was folded over and Hails' name was on the other side of the fold but I couldn't find it and then when I did I was like DAMN IT!! And I was like "Stupid Australian Idol..."

Sorry my recap took so long to get up, but on Monday I was with Allard, Tuesday I was with Allard, Wednesday I was at work from 9-5 boxing bread crumbs and cleaning windows (don't ask) Thursday I was with Allard, and Friday and Saturday I was filming "La revenge du la phantom lapin" (don't ask, I was the bunny). So in other words, today was really the only day I could do it.

So anway, here's what they sang last night, but the show's not up for downloading yet:

Casey - You're so vain (as much as I hate her, this might be a good song for her)
Misty Blue (beh, whatever that is)

Anthony - Hold the line (might know)
Bridge Over Troubled Water (don't know WHAT he's thinking, that was practically Clay's winning song from AI2, he'll be killed)

Courtney - My love (beh?)
Somebody to love (Ahahaha the ogre song from Ella Enchanted)

So I'll put the recap up as soon as I see the show. And BTW (no, not Crystal) only 23 days till my baby comes back! I'm talking about Jonathan, duh. I have to phone his grandparents at the beginning of December because I have no phone so he won't be able to phone me when he comes back. Like I have a phone, but people can't phone it. Because it's Teresa and Trevor's. But if it's important (which obviously this is) then I can give it to people, so I guess that's what I'll do. I still have about 3 weeks to decide though, I don't need to phone them like RIGHT on December 1st, probably like the 5th or something. But EEEEK it's so close to him being home! I really have missed him so much. But no, Johnny's my boyfriend and that's all there is to it.

I'm drinking a mixture of Coke and Dr.Buzz and it actually tastes really good. Crap. My cat just threw up on the floor so I had to spend forever cleaning it up. Okay, I'm good now. I'm listening to KIL "Rock slide". KIL is Kovered in Lies, Billy Klippert's old band. I miss them. Stupid Billy. I was listening to his CD the other day, it's my favourite. When my discman worked I used to listen to it every day, like 3 times a day. I need to fix my discman.

Oh, more Idol news, I found a list of all the AI4 top 100 contestants that returned from last year and the only people that we know are:

Bao Viet Nguyen (my mom's favourite from last year)
Cassie LeBeau (she was stupid Kelly Clarkson girl from texas, I think she messed up in the "You can't hurry love" group songs, I remember her trying to ad-lib and failing)

I'm mad because Michael Keown and Nicole Tieri aren't there. I don't know if Nicole auditioned again, but I know for sure that Michael at least auditioned, he promised last year that he would come back, and he's not the type of person who wouldn't.

I'm going shopping with Stephanie and Sarah at 1:30 today at Mayfair. I don't know WHY I do, all they do is look at clothes and not video games like me and Johnny! I love Mayfair though, it's where I met Johnny the first and second time. Especially the SECOND time, whoa. That like, killed me. I honestly could not believe that it had happened, I kept looking at my phone number written on my hand (written by him, of course EEEK) like all day, just to make sure it wasn't fake. It's still hard to believe, actually. Like seriously, how. That's so messed. Well actually, most people would prefer to call it fate, but fate is messed, so.

I just finished listening to the main song by KIL "Kovered in lies". It's the most awesome song ever, but you have to be careful which version you listen to, some people might be offended! I have like 5 different ones, I never remember which one is which, but this one just now was the bad one! Oh well, I'm by myself. Ooh yay, I've had 10 visits to my site today! Hopefully I'll get more after this! Honestly, I have people going into the archives, I have no idea what they're looking for, probably AI or CI or AUI stuff.

EEEK I LOVE WOUTER DE CLERCK!! Sorry. Belgium Idol 2. It's in the top 6 or something. He rocks he's so cute and I love him! He's 21 but he looks like he's like 16!! They're having a show tonight actually, I need to get it! They sometimes sing in English, but sometimes in Belgian, or Belsh, as I like to call it.

Okay, I should go now. Stupid IDF isn't working. I love Johnny. EEK Wouter. Vote Courtney.